It's 11:30 at night and I'm tired as all dick from doing 4 chapters of AP Physics work. I just watched a couple videos that inspired me to try and break out of my writer's block with the most heavy handed way I can think of.
So I suppose I'll start by talking about creativity.
My creative writing teacher would try and get us inspired by making us write nonstop for 20 minutes about anything we wanted. I used this technique often in the past until I didn't really need to anymore as topics began popping in my head like fucking popcorn. Those were the days where I would write more than a post a week. I suppose I'll try this technique again, but it doesn't really seem to be working because, as I mentioned, it's 11:30 at night and I'm tired as all dick which is slowing my mind down to the point where I'm typing a hell of a lot faster than I can think right now. I'm also beginning to suspect I'm a little stressed because I swear I just heard the first three beats of Queen's "We Will Rock You" in this utterly motionless and sleeping house.
Usually when I get inspired to write, it's because of a phrase I heard somewhere that reminds me why I love writing. This phrase can be anything, but usually it involves good vocabulary and a context of good writing. Today this phrase is "vociferous lack of shit-giving".
I like to consider myself an artist that paints with words but I'm not sure exactly how accurate that is, because I'm not sure any of my writing is actually good. My AP Language teacher reads some of my posts here and there and when I ask her, she tells me I'm a good writer. I tell myself I should believe her but my insecurities always get to me and I have little confidence in the quality of any of these posts. My "Fuck you Peter Singer" post was based off an assignment I got in that class, and I handed in an edited version of my post. I'm not sure what I'm so fucking worried about because that essay got the highest score it's possible to get.
I don't know if this is me bragging or being insecure, but I constantly feel my writing is very hit and miss, mostly the latter. Maybe this paranoia I have is the reason I apparently write well, so if I stop worrying maybe I'll stop writing well.
I've watched a lot of videos warning against the trap of fame, that you should generate content on your own accord instead of doing what you think the fans want. I don't know why I'm bringing this up because I'm in no danger of falling victim to my own fame because my fame doesn't exist. I suppose the danger was more apparent when I first started this blog, or at least the opinions portion of it, because I expected it to be something else. I originally wanted something along the lines of Maddox's page, angry, cynical, and actually pretty juvenile in an effort to derive some humor from the mix. I'm glad I grew out of that and this blog went in the direction that it did, but now I'm left with a bunch of angry, juvenile posts that no longer reflect my views. I still read Maddox's page and still find it funny, but I also realize that Maddox isn't necessarily the person he portrays himself to be, whereas this blog I try to do the opposite, as these (more recent) posts do reflect my views. I do fluff up my opinions to an extent, but I've noticed I've been doing so less and less.
Perhaps the insecurity of my writing is also in the insecurity of many my opinions. I like to think I'm educated and I know what I'm talking about, but I often remember that I am just a 17 year old kid, how much can I possibly know? I can't always be right, but when am I wrong? I try to put these insecurities to rest with quotes like this, but the doubt remains.
Perhaps its only because it's so late and I'm so tired, when I wake up in the morning I always feel confident with who I am, how I look and my abilities, but at times like this I always question myself. It's at times like this I look at my actions and decide, am I being a hypocrite? Am I being an asshole? And more often than not, the answers I give myself are "yes", and I resolve to continue trying to better myself.
I don't know why I'm writing this down. I don't know if it's wise to post this. I don't know if this sounds depressing or self-centered.
Right now I'm sitting in a dark room, at 12:10 at night. The only sound I hear is the sound of my own typing. Tonight, I am merely human.